Full Moon
by Redefining Fantsy
Summary: Edward built a world of rules and regulations since they escaped Eric's clutches. When given a chance to kill the world where she's a puppet will she take it or give it up to help those who abandoned her. Whose happiness will she choose?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: After escaping James/ Eric with her family Edward changes. The nickname she fears is used and rules are set in place. Lorianna wants nothing more than to follow the rules because they mean Edward's acceptance. When he leaves will it all change or will she run back to the chaos the first chance she gets. E/B for now eventually B/J.**

**Chapter 1: Work**

Edward I don't know how to say this but

You aren't who I thou

I can't take this anymore. We

You've chan

After turning it over multiple times in my mind I still had no clue how to tell him. I had no idea what to say. It wasn't so bad. It wasn't like I would leave him. He was absolutely the best part of my world and a little pain in exchange was worth it, wasn't it? Besides, the bruises weren't that bad. He just scared me a bit when I was being stupid.

I moved around my house and did everything on the chore list Sue had left for me. It was ridiculous. She did hardly anything all week, but come Saturday I was expected to do everything. She knew I had to work today too, but that didn't make her shorten the list. Honestly it seemed to make it longer.

When I was done I changed into my barn clothes and flew from the house. I was barely going to make it on time! When I got there I ran into the to the tack room and put my stuff in my locker. I grabbed my usual pitchfork and wheelbarrow and headed to the first barn. "Hey Emma," I called to her.

"Hey Lori, I'll get the front forty paddocks.

"Then I guess I'll get the back forty." I said laughing. I made my way o my first paddock. I took one look at it and groaned. It looked horrible. It was going to take three wheel barrows alone. I grit my teeth and got to work. The horses deserved to have clean paddocks. It was pouring by the third hour at the farm. The rain refused to stop coming down. It was like the sky was laughing at us. After another two hours we were still nowhere near done. "I'm going to go get the tractor and scrap them.

"Are you sure?"

"We'll never get done otherwise." I replied. She nodded. I ran to the supply barn and backed the tractor out. The attachment was already on so I didn't have to worry about it. Emma opened and closed gates for me and we were done in five hours. Smiling at our success we ran through the barns and put shavings in all the stalls so the horses wouldn't slip around. Returning to the tack barn we took a dinner break. It was already six o'clock.

'We work crazy hours." She commented. I nodded.

"But tomorrow's adoption day so their numbers will go down, and it'll be easier for awhile again."

"I'll miss the ones that leave." She lamented.

"I will too, but this is a rescue after all. It's to be expected." We were quiet for a while as we ate our dinners. "Are you ready to get riding? It's already six."

"Might as well. How many are we riding tonight?"

"I think we have to ride as many as possible, because tomorrow is adoption day like you said, but we also have to be here at six to clean stalls before they all get here at nine and we have to be smiling, awake, and pleasant, or no one will get adopted."

"I hate that. They're always so in our face and they get angry when you're not smiling. They all need to just take the stick out of their ass and chillax." I laughed with her.

"You're completely right, but we have to get moving or we never will." She stood groaning. I copied her stretching. "I'm going to right Dante. He's sure to be adopted. He's only eight after all, and he has the sweetest temperament." She continued to mumble about him as she grabbed his tack. I grabbed Danche's stuff and went to his stall. Emma and I raced through working the horses. Even working as fast as we did we only got through thirty each. We would have to ride the others in the morning.

It was already one-thirty. "Let's get our money and get out of here."

"We'd better have made more than $1,000 tonight. We've been here thirteen hours." Emma muttered.

"You did great today girls. See you tomorrow at six."

"I'll be here at five. I want to finish riding." He nodded in approval.

"Same here," Emma said shooting me a glare. I smiled she really wouldn't let me outdo her here. Besides I was pretty sure she needed the money just as bad as I did, but I was sure she was really looking forward to that extra hour of sleep. As we walked down to our cars I actually counted how much we made. I gasped and recounted shocked at the number I got. It couldn't be right. "How much?"

"We made $2,000." I said shocked. She stopped dead and started smiling hugely.

"Did we really?" I nodded. "Sweet," She exclaimed jumping up and down ecstatic. I shook my head at her antics and climbed into my truck.

"See you later."

"Bye!" She called before she pulled out of the driveway. I pulled out and sped in the opposite direction. I yawned hugely. I really needed to get some sleep. I was so out of it. I blasted the music and forced myself to sing along with it so I would stay conscious. I looked at the time as I got out of the car at home. It was already two. I would have to get up in a two hour. Damn adoption day to hell! I thought as I went up to my room. I turned the light on and shut the door behind me. I looked across the room and saw Edward standing there, and he looked pissed. I dropped my bag and held very still as I waited for him to start.

"Where were you Allie?" He interrogated. I hid the shiver of fear at the name.

"I was at work. I told you this weekend's really busy at the rescue" I reminded him.

"It's extremely late. You should've been home already. I was worried something happened to you." He said pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. I crossed the room and wrapped him in a hug.

"I'm sorry Edward. I always end up working extremely late on adoption weekends." He deflated.

"It's fine Allie. I love you." He reminded me kissing me lightly on the lips.

"I love you too." I replied quickly. It was silent for a minute, but I had to break it. "I have to leave in an hour to go back to work. It's adoption day, so I have a lot to do to get the animals ready." He tightened his grip on my shoulders almost to the point of pain.

"What are you talking about?" he said annoyed.

"I have to work Edward." I said louder.

"Fine," he said irritated once more.

"If your job is more important then go." He said turning away from me.

"Edward it's not that. I need the money, and the farmer needs me tomorrow. You know I love you."

"I know Allie. I'll see you tomorrow night." I nodded as he jumped from my window. I shook off the fear from the nickname. I really was stupid. It was just a name. I couldn't hurt me. I went over to my journal. I wrote my name in my journal five times over: Lorianna Allison Desaultes. I had to remember that. I had to remember what my name was in this life. Especially with Edward trying so desperately to make me live in my past. As long as all he used was my nickname I would be fine, because no matter how bad it could get I knew I needed Edward. He was my rock, and exactly what I needed.

I lay down for an hour, but it felt like I'd barely put my head on my pillow when my alarm went off. I got ready for the day groaning. I wore a nice pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt with my hair pulled back into a neat pony tail and my riding boots. It was sunny out so a sweatshirt wasn't needed. I sped back to the farm. Emma and I arrived at the same time. "Fancy seeing you here," I joked laughing. She rolled her eyes.

"I picked you up a coffee."

"You are a saint." I said taking the mug from her.

"I know." I rolled my eyes. The coffee was heaven and the final push I needed to truly get my but in gear. We ran through the stalls together. It only took us a half hour to do them all. We road our last ten horses each together. They were all perfect. There was no way most of them wouldn't be adopted today. They were all so loving and hardworking. Then we went through and put ribbons in the horses manes and tails. Emma was fancier than me. She braided the ribbons in. I just did pony tails. Nine o'clock finally rolled around, and we were both dragging. It was pathetic, but we had a job to do. We walked down to the gate smiling hugely at the crowd of horse people waiting.

"Last Chance Stables' Adoption Day has officially started." We announced together as we opened the gate. The crowd cheered and entered the farm talking happily. The volunteers were already in position to answer the visitors' questions. Emma and I just had to ride horses people wanted to see. I just decided to run through my forty, so they could see how good they were. Emma did the same thing. We called out to the crowd the horse's age, temperament, and any ailments they had. They seemed impressed with what how calm the horses were, but just like always they waited until the very end at 4:30 to adopt. The adoption fee was only $3,000, which was extremely reasonable for a horse. Fifty horses were adopted by 5 o'clock making it our most successful adoption day yet. Emma and I went around to the remaining thirty horses and undid the ribbon from their manes and tails. It didn't' take that long. The barns seemed so empty now with more than half the horses gone.

I pulled into my driveway exhausted. My homework was done, so after I took my shower I just went to bed. I couldn't stay awake any longer. It had been worth it. We made another $1,000 today, but I was beat. I curled up under my blankets and passed out. I awoke the next morning to something cooking downstairs. I smiled as I saw it was Edward.

"Good morning love. I made you breakfast." He said setting a late of eggs and bacon in front of me.

"Thanks," I mumbled munching on it. Afterwards I washed my dish and got ready for school. I headed straight for Edward's Volvo knowing he wouldn't want me to take my truck. He hated my truck with a passion. At school I only talked to him and his family. He said the other kids were bad influences, and I didn't really mind.

The day passed quickly. It was so hard to believe it was already February again. Meaning it was hard for me to believe it was my birthday again. Tomorrow, the eighth was the dreaded day, and the Cullens were sure to make a big deal of it. They never did anything small.


	2. Chapter 2 Hello My Name Is

Chapter 2: Hello my name is Allis- Loria- Allie… I think

"Hey Lorianna, what's up?" Mike questioned. I backed away from him. Edward didn't want me talking to him.

"Nothing," I replied quickly.

"It's your birthday isn't it?" I nodded. "Happy birthday. Hey don't go." He said grabbing my arm. He pulled me back towards him and I stiffened scared.

"Mike I would let her go." Edward said in a low dangerous voice. He released me. Edward grabbed my arm and squeezed as he pulled me away.

"Edward, you're hurting me." I muttered through clenched teeth. I struggled against him but it didn't work. He didn't let go until we were out of sight.

"What the hell were you doing talking to Newton, Allie? I told you not to talk to him." He yelled at me. I shuddered in fear at his tone and stared at the ground.

"I was trying to get away. He started it." I replied quickly. I kept my head bowed respectfully, and I kept my eyes down. I couldn't meet his gaze.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you Allie." He ordered. I looked up quickly. I wished I hadn't. He was furious. I hated that it was my fault he was like this. I shouldn't have talked to Newton.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to talk to him. He wouldn't let me go." He raised his hand as if to hit me and I flinched away. He lowered his hand slowly and I watched as his eyes softened.

"It's okay Allie. It makes me so angry when you do things like that. Just don't do it again." He said pulling me into a hug.

"I won't. I love you."

"I love you too. Let's get you to class." He escorted me to gym. He was such a gentleman. After I changed into my gym clothes I inspected my wrist. It was black and blue but it was nothing a little foundation couldn't cover. When I was done it was hardly visible. Sure it ached, and I deserved it. It served as a reminder of what happened when I was stupid. Why did I fu- mess up so much? I had to work on that or there was always the possibility he would leave me.

I walked out and entered the volley ball game. It was perfect. I could fake an injury from this to cover my bruise. I ran forward like I was going to hit the ball and forced myself to miss and ram my wrist into the pole instead. The pain seemed sort of like a dull throbbing. It didn't bother me much but I shook my hand out like it did and rubbed the foundation from my wrist so the bruise could be seen. It was a perfect excuse and now it was believable.

I left at the end of the class happy with my success at fabricating evidence. It was a good thing I had because Alice was at my side staring at my wrist. "What happened?" She questioned worriedly.

"It's nothing little sis. Stop worrying about me. I'm perfectly fine." I lied through my teeth smiling.

"If you're sure…" She trailed off and let a short silence fill the air before continuing. "So are we celebrating your 121st or your 18th?" She teased.

"Both, they occur on the same day." I informed her smiling.

"I'll see you later." I murmured as I saw Edward waving me over. I bowed my head slightly and ran over to his car. He didn't open the door for me this time, so I just got in.  
"So you hurt your wrist in gym?" He questioned.

"Yes, I smashed it into the pole holding up the volleyball net. I missed the ball by four feet." I lied to placate him. He hated thinking he was the one who'd hurt me. He shouldn't feel bad. It was my fault to begin with. None of it was his fault. When we got to my house I went to the kitchen and got to work on making my mom's dinner. Edward was watching me carefully. I wasn't going to eat anything. He'd already told me he thought I was fat. I wasn't about to eat in front of him after that. When her food was done I set the plate in the fridge with tin foil covering it and her name written on it. I grabbed my homework and quickly worked through it the way he wished. All the while he just stared at me.

"It's time for the party. Come on Love." He called reaching for my hand. I happily placed mine in his. It felt so right. There were butterflies in my stomach as I worried about the party and reveled in the feeling of my hand in his. It was a wonderful feeling. I could have sat like that in his car for eternity, but there was a party I was expected to go to, and I wasn't about to let Edward down now.

When we arrived at his house I got out of the car quickly. I needed to get to Edward's side quickly. He nodded in approval as I stood slightly behind him. He led the way into his house. I was embraced by Alice the second I walked in the door. "Hi Lorianna!" She squealed. I hugged back.

"Hi Alice: how out of control did you get this time?" I questioned thinking back on all of her crazy fashion started misadventures.

"I didn't; I kept it to what you like." She said pulling me towards the living room. I looked back to Edward. He nodded his approval so I walked with her into the living room. There were streamers everywhere. White and red flowers cropped up from everywhere imaginable. Dead center was a cake frosted red with white trim. It would have easily fed the entire junior class. I shook my head laughing. She lied like a rug. If this wasn't over board then I didn't know what was.

"F- Alice, if this isn't overboard I want to know what is." I teased her. She stuck her tongue out at me, and I rolled my eyes. Emmett caught me up in a hug.

"Happy birthday Lorianna," he exclaimed. He was so loud my ears popped. We were all laughing as he set me back down. I could see Edward out of the corner of my eye. To anyone else he would look happy and at ease, but I knew that expression. He was pis- mad, furious actually. His hands slightly curled as if to form claws but not enough so that the others would see. Everything about him was right now screaming 'you'll regret that later'. I took a step away from Emmett back towards Edward's side, and he relaxed a little. I made sure to keep my feelings light and happy so as not to alert Jasper. I would be fine. I just had to stop being so stupid!

Alice bounced over me and handed me a little box. "It's from me and Jasper." She informed me bouncing on her heels. I smiled at her and opened the box. It was a beautiful necklace. I pulled it from the box and put it on.

"Thank you," I said smiling first at her then Jasper. He was closer than usual. Maybe Edward was easing up finally. I hated knowing it was my fault he was so excluded from everything. He'd never tried to hurt me. Esme stepped forward and handed me another wrapped box. I stuck my finger under the edge and jerked it to rip the paper. I felt the all too familiar sensation of something tearing through my skin. I pulled my finger back to examine the damage. How the hell had I cut my finger on wrapping paper? I must have torn it with a crap load of force. Half a second later the snarling began. S- cr- oh screw not swearing. I was in a house full of vampires and I was bleeding. I took a step back about to sink into my crouch when Edward ran in front of me. He shoved me backwards hard and I slammed into the table that had held the cake. It collapsed around me and I felt a plate tear into my arm. It was easily ignorable. I jumped to my feet and crouched defensively.

I looked up in time to see Edward throw Japer backwards. It took Emmett and Rosalie to restrain him. They dragged him from the house. Rosalie shot me a glare before following Emmett outside. I hung my head.

It was becoming harder to ignore the cut not because it hurt, the pain was warranted, but because of the endorphins my mind had released I had to stop myself from smiling as I looked at the long gash. How I'd missed the sensation. It'd been far too long. There goes all my hard work. I knew that if something like this happened I would go back, or I would if it wouldn't make Edward so angry. I would just be craving it for a year or two before it turned to a dull ache. I could handle it. Besides this wasn't a relapse. I hadn't done it on purpose. It'd been an accident.

Carlisle grabbed my arm inspecting the gash. Edward growled at him, and I suppressed a shudder. I was in trouble, very big trouble. "I'll take care of her Edward. Go talk to Jasper." Edward nodded curtly and left the house. He was furious, and he was my ride home. I shuddered. Carlisle thought it was from pain and gave me a sympathetic look. I smiled back unable to tell him the real reason.

"There aren't any glass shards in the gash. It's a bit deep though." He said frowning.

"Do I have to have stiches?" I questioned. That wouldn't be smart.

"No, I'll just bandage it up. Come back tomorrow and I'll see how it's healing and if it isn't closing I'll have to give you stiches." He decided.

"Okay, this is so much easier than going to the hospital." He laughed with me.

"You do go there frequently don't you?"

"Yeah, I'm way too clumsy for my own good." I lied smoothly. It wasn't due to clumsiness I was always hurt, but it was still my fault. Thank god I was a practiced liar or I would be so scr- dead. Carlisle smiled believing the lie. Alice handed Carlisle his bag and he worked to wrap up my arm. Alice looked at me with her head slightly bowed. She looked like a child awaiting punishment.

"What's wrong sister?" I questioned as Carlisle finished. He excused himself so Alice and I could talk alone.

"I didn't see this happening. I didn't know. I'm so sorry Lorianna. I'm a terrible sister." She wailed.

"It's not your fault." I assured her.

"Yes it is. This wouldn't have happened if I just-" I cut her off.

"Felicity Isabelle Brandon," I said demanding her attention. She looked up at me shocked. I hadn't used her full name on her for over 100 years. "You aren't infallible. You can't be expected to see anything. It was an accident and the effects were last minute decisions. If anything it's my fault. Don't wallow in self-pity. Your mate's got that one covered. Can you make sure he knows I don't blame him in the slightest?"

"Yes I will, but he's not my mate Lorianna. We're just best friends." She explained.

"What?"

"We're married, but we aren't mated." She clarified.

"Oh, well then tell your husband. I hope you both find your true mates." I added.

"Thank you. We're both supposed to meet our mates within the next decade." She said excitedly.

'I'm happy for you."

"I'm going to go stop his worrying. Bye Lorianna." She said giving me a quick hug.

"Bye Alice; make him see sense."

"I'll try," She called over her shoulder as she ran from the house.


	3. Chapter 3 What's Left?

**AN: Major Trigger warning! It gets a bit graphic. Not for those who cut, or those who can't stomach reading about cutting. Sorry guess but Lorianna's a harmer.**

**Chapter 3: What's Left?**

When Alice had left to console Jasper Edward came into the room. He was still angry. "Are you okay Allie?" He questioned.

"Yes, I was lucky." I replied keeping my head bowed.

"Let's get you home." He grabbed up the presents and carried them to the car. I followed behind him like a pet. I got into the car quickly. He was silent the entire drive there. He ran into the house to dump the presents then he was back by my side. I flinched at how close he was. He grabbed my arm growling and yanked me to the edge of the woods. It was so dark. The rain was pounding down on us.

"I can't believe you Allie. How could you be so stupid!" He spat at me.

"I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to open the present." I responded. He went to hit me, but I flinched back and he stopped himself.

"No Allie, you should have been more careful. You almost died tonight!" He hissed. I ran to his side and wrapped him in a hug.

"I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean to." He pet my hair as if I was the one who deserved consoling.

"I can forgive you for it Allie." I relaxed slightly.

"But what I can't forgive is you not seeing this happen. If you'd actually used your power this all could have been avoided." He snarled shoving me away from him. I was shaking terrified. He was right. This was my fault.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. He had me pinned against a tree half a second later.

"Sorry doesn't cut it." He growled. His eyes were pitch black with his rage.

"I didn't see anything. My power doesn't work all of the time. I didn't know." I whimpered.

"It doesn't change the fact you are once again the cause of discord in my family." He said backing away from me.

"I'm sorry." I cried. The tears fell fast. There was a resounding smack before the pain registered. I cried out shocked and cradled my face. He'd slapped me. There wouldn't be a bruise. He normally didn't hit me hard enough for that, but I hadn't been expecting it.

"I already told you sorry doesn't change what you did, and stop crying. You look pathetic." He ordered. I forced myself to stop the tears. I wiped my eyes and bowed my head respectfully. "That's better. Good girl Allie." I glowed at the praise. I was doing well! I kept the smile from my face knowing he wasn't done. I could sense the 'but'.

"But I'm done." Shock and disbelief filled me.

"What do you mean?"

"Allie, how dumb are you?" He interrogated. My stomach dropped.

"I don't understand." I said stubbornly.

"My family and I are leaving," he informed me.

"Can I have a day to get my things together and to think of something to tell Sue?" I questioned.

"You aren't coming with me." He said.

"You don't want me?" I inquired brokenly.

"Why the hell would I want you? You're pathetic and weak. You cause trouble and you never do as you're told."

"I'll listen better I swear. If you changed me it might make everything easier. Please Edward, don't leave me." I begged. I felt the tears threatening to fall, but I didn't let them. He would just get angrier and I could lose him forever.

"No you won't Allie. You being immortal would make it worse. I hate you! You'll never be the one I want. You're a fat, ugly bitch." He sneered. I shook my head in denial. He yanked my head up by my hair. I grabbed at his hands trying to get him to release his grip, but it was no use. I was weaker than him.

"Let me go!" I yelled. He didn't listen. A fiery look came into his eyes. He dropped me. I hit the ground hard. I jumped back up looking at him.

"You need to believe it. I'm never coming back Allie, good bye." He turned and ran into the woods.

"Edward!" I screamed after him. I wouldn't be able to find him if I followed. Then it hit. They were all leaving, even my sister. I couldn't believe after being reunited my sister was leaving me! We were family! I'd fought so hard for her, and now she was throwing me away. I didn't let the tears fall yet I had to make it back to the house. I made my way inside and up to my room. All of the presents were there in the room. I shoved them into a corner and sat on my bed. I wasn't numb. I was fighting a battle against my emotions and losing.

Then the final barricade against the emotions was worn away and the tears started flowing. I was forming a river. It wasn't long before my shirt was soaked through. I'd ruined it! After everything I'd done to get Edward to stay with me he was gone. I was completely alone. After hours the tears stopped. I was soaked as was my bed. I was becoming numb, indifferent. I knew what could change it. I knew how I could make it all go away, but I couldn't go back there. I'd fought so hard to get to where I was. I didn't want to go back to square one. _Nothing big: you don't have to go deep. Just a little._ I'm fine. _Then say his name. _Edward.

The hole ripped wider in my chest. I felt like I was being torn apart. I gasped in agony. He'd left me. He was gone! I didn't have to be good anymore. I could be me. It didn't matter if I fell back to square one. I had to end this pain. I had to fix it! I needed to fix it. I raked my nails across my skin and formed angry red lines. It was enough for me to be able to move once more.

I searched my room and found a staple. I was never one for deep cuts. They were too messy and took too long to heal. I preferred quantity. I sat down and kicked off my jeans. I caressed my upper right thigh happily, so much room to remark; so much history to rewrite. I got to work quickly. I raked the straightened staple across my skin smiling as my blood appeared. I kept going. Twenty cuts before I stopped. I'd struggled to stay good for two years and back I fell. That was sad.

I grabbed the antiseptic that stung because I deserved it. If I was going to be dumb and cut then I could deal with the after pain. I'd taken biology. I knew what was happening. My brain had released endorphins, a pleasure compound, and I was basically high right now. That sentence had really made me sound smart.

I started humming to myself. Right now nothing could bother me. I wasn't going to think about them, him, or my sister. My hole ripped open and I gasped. It shut again quickly. I was shocked. Nothing had ever broken through the high, ever. FML. I really couldn't win. I had to find a way to deal with this, but right now it was late. I needed to get some sleep. I laid down, and after an hour I finally passed out.

Edward was with me and we were in our meadow. I sighed contentedly as he held me in his arms. "I love you." He said.

"I love you to."

"Not you." He said standing. He looked down at me with disgust in his eyes. "I don't want a pathetic human." He ran away and I tried to follow him this time. It didn't work. He was always just out of reach then he disappeared and I was left wandering the forest. I was alone. I sat down crying. Then I heard a twig snap. I looked up to see him there eyeing me hungrily. I tried to back away, but he lunged at me. I felt his skin break through my neck and I screamed.

I jerked upward in bed. My heart was beating erratically, and I was panting. I shook terrified. It'd seemed so real. I checked the time on my cellphone. I groaned. It was only three in the morning. I wasn't going to go back to sleep. I knew I would have a nightmare again. Staying conscious was horrible too. The pain had hit me the second I was conscious. I couldn't win. Either way I was in hell.

I made breakfast, but I didn't even think about eating anything other than an apple. He hadn't wanted me because I was fat. Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking he would come back if I dropped some weight. Sue came down and eyed me. "Morning," I muttered.

"What happened to your arm?"

"I tripped." I lied. I was so sick of lying! I wanted to be able to tell someone. I wanted to talk about it. There was no way that could happen, because not only was my coping method reason to hospitalize me but telling someone vampires are real would definitely lead to hospitalization in the psychiatric ward. And that would be very bad, because Sue worked at the hospital. Correction, it would be hell. I wasn't going to let that happen, so I had nothing to worry about.

"At the Cullens place," I winced. That was a painful. Oh well, pain seemed to have become my very best friend again.

"Yes, E- Edward," I forced his name out. "Edward was nice enough to let me enjoy the party at his place before he dumped me and told me they were all moving away. Wasn't that sweet of him?" I questioned sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Are you okay?" She questioned in a tone that said 'I knew it wouldn't last'.

"I'll be fine. I just need a little time." I lied. Thank god she slept like a rock, or I would have to worry about her hearing me scream every night. It probably would happen every night too. There was no way it would just go away. I'd loved him. I'd be lucky if I ever moved on.

…

I worked to get my life back to normal. I returned to work. Hell, I even worked over time. I went to La Push several times, but I couldn't keep going there. They would hate me once I turned. Actually I had to go today and tell them. Jake wanted me there. I had to pretend I was strong. I hoped they would let me keep going down there. I needed la Push it was the only place free of memories and I even got along with Emily. Everything was perfect. I didn't want to ruin it now, but they had a right to know.

I got in my truck and started driving. I yawned hugely. I was so tired all the time. I always had nightmares. I averaged at about four hours of sleep a night. I cut more than I should. I was still unable to stop. It was the only thing that kept the memories at bay and my mood in check at time.

When I arrived at Sam's house he stared at me curiously. I nodded to him and hunched my shoulders as if to ward off an attack. He frowned, but he didn't press me. It wasn't his fault. I just didn't trust men. It was nothing against him personally. "Jake asked me to come." I said looking down.

"Yes, he told me. So you know the legends?"

"Of course I know of the tribe's history. I don't have to live on tribe land to be part of it. Since my brother left someone has to stay in town."

"If you know then why did you date Edward?" I hissed as the pain hit. He looked at me strange.

"I dated him because I thought he loved me. I couldn't have been more wrong and not just for the reasons you're thinking." I said bitterly. The fault was wide and churning. I was going to be brought to my knees soon from it. It was too much.

"I'm sorry Lorianna. I'm just cautious." He explained.

"As leader of the pack you should be." I replied. He was shocked.

"How," he asked.

"Sam, you commend the respect of the entire tribe, and I've been around for a long time." I informed him.

"What?" Was that his favorite word?

"Sam I'm begging you not to attack me right now. My life sucks but I don't want to die." I said slowly before continuing. "I was a vampire, but I'm human again. I plan to be a vampire once more. I was always a vegetarian. I am part of the tribe as was Alice Cullen. We're just descendants of the first shifters." I explained. Sam was shocked.

"Stay off of tribe land. If I ever catch you here again I will kill you. I don't care what you claim. I can't trust you. I have to put the tribe first. Get out of here." He ordered.

"Sam please, my brother's here. I have friends and family here. Don't make me leave. This has been the place I come since they left. Please don't take that from me!" I begged. He glared at my coldly.

"Don't make me hurt you leech." I flinched as he advanced towards me. I backed away terrified.

"I'll leave. I'll leave." I said quickly. I backed out of the house to my truck. Once in it I sped away. I needed to get over the boundary line. He wanted to hurt me. Sam wanted to kill me. Nowhere was safe. When I got home I ran up to my room to find my box. I was freaking out and I needed to relax. I grabbed the staple from it knowing there would be many cuts made. I took my jeans off. My right thigh was full. I moved over to the left one. It was like a blank canvas awaiting the first brushstroke. Of course the artist that I was red was the only color I'd ever use and metal made a much better brush.

I hacked at it. The first time I tore through my soft skin was bliss. It was such a rush. I kept going. I needed the fear and pain to go away. I needed to cut the worthlessness from my skin. Blood welled from the cuts. I breathed the rusty scent in happily. I kept going. I didn't stop until I'd made more than forty cuts. Only then was I content with my handy work.

The emotional pain was far from my mind now. I smiled as I took care of the cuts. They would be fine. I never let them infected or anything. That would mean going to the hospital, and the doctor was never one to admire my artwork. Once they were done bleeding I put on a pair of jeans and made Sue dinner. It seemed Sue and Emma were the only ones on this coast I had left.

Coming down from the high was the worst thing that happened. It made reality come crashing down on me hard. It made my loss of family impossible to ignore. My feelings of worthlessness, pain, regret, guilt, abandonment, and fear were impossible to ignore. It didn't matter, because while I couldn't ignore it I could work around it. I never shoved the fear away though. I'd learned a long time ago fear would keep me safe. Fear would keep me alive, especially now that the tribe, my family, wanted me dead. Besides my compartmentalizing abilities were taking on a vampiric twist the older I got. The closer I got to when I'd once more be a vampire. So there was a lot of room in my head to shoved things i didn't want to focus on.

I looked around my room. It was one big reminder. He'd always been in here. The books were the worst and the few CDs he'd given me. I grabbed them all and ran out into the backyard. Thank god it wasn't raining. I ran inside and grabbed lighter. I came back out and stacked everything he'd ever given me. I grabbed my copy of Romeo and Juliet. I held it steady for the lighter. When it'd caught I threw it onto the pile. The entire thing caught quickly.

I watched as my memories burned along with the last year and a half of my life. I had a picture of him in my hand. I was reluctant to part with it. I loved him. But he didn't love me and I was going to let him go. I would force myself to move on with my life. I couldn't mourn my first love for eternity. I had to keep going, for my sisters and Sue. I could at the very least pretend for them.

I looked at the picture and committed it to memory then I threw it into the fire. "Fuck you Edward." The fault ripped wide, but I just laughed. I was seriously losing it by laughing at this, but the irony was just now hitting me. I was shocked it'd taken so long for it to sink in. I was a harmer, and a pain in my chest was supposed to discourage me? How fucking ironic was that? That's right I can swear again! I can dress how I wanted to. I couldn't get used to being free. And that's exactly what I was. Free of his hold on me. Free to be whatever I wanted to be. I would _never_ give up my freedom again, ever. I was no longer pathetic Allie. I was Lorianna Allison Brandon, and I was pissed.


End file.
